Our little man ....

Harrison continues to be such a sweet baby and the best little cuddler. The past few weeks I have spent a good bit of alone time with him. We have been at the doctor quite a bit trying to figure him out. Back during his first few weeks I noticed how he sounded congested after feedings. At his one month visit I mentioned this to the doctor and asked he thought Harrison could be aspirating or swallowing some of his formula into his lungs. The doctor said no and gave me a possible explanation and on we went. He continued to sound like this so I kept mentioning it to the doctor and then in December he began wheezing quite a bit. We went to the doctor, gave him breathing treatments and started using the humidifier but it did not get better. So I would take him back with any little change to have the chance to ask again "Do you think he is aspirating?" All the doctors I saw said no and gave me a "reasonable" explanation. So after awhile I started thinking that maybe I was being a paranoid ICU nurse and should trust the doctors. Well, Harrsion continued to get worse where people who did not know us would say "Is your baby okay? Does he always sound like that?" Yes, he always sounds like a whistle or washing machine. After baths he would have the hardest time breathing and take a good hour to get him back to rest. We spaced out bath days as far as we could because it was not fun to watch him struggle so much afterwards. Well, I made another visit to the doctor to express my concerns one more time and this time he listened and we left the doctor visit with a pulmonologist consult, GI consult, and a few tests ordered at the hospital the next day. He listened!

So over the next week we discovered that Harrison HAS been aspirating his feeds. He failed his swallow study so we are thickening his milk and he seems to be doing better. We are still unsure of why he is doing this. It does not appear to be reflux because during the study they realized that his muscles in his throat got weaker with each swallow and finally failed at forcing the thin liquids down his esophagus. They think it could be tracheomalacia or weakness and floppiness of the walls of the windpipe. Unless they did more invasive test they will not know. We are going to take the conservative route and treat the symptoms and give him time to out grow it because most children out grow tracheomalacia around 2 years of age without intervention. We see the pulmonologist again in a couple of weeks to evaluate if he needs the more invasive testing. We are praying he will not.

Through all of this I am very thankful for God protecting our little guy from not getting a terrible pneumonia from aspirating, thankful for meeting a fabulous pulmonologist, thankful for Mimi watching the girls day after day while I tote little man around, thankful for friends that have watched the girls, thankful for one on one time with Harrison, thankful for a sweet baby that actually enjoyed all of his "test" because he liked the attention, thankful for a wonderful children's hospital and that I now know how it feels to be the patients mommy, thankful that we are cleared to feed him baby food and thankful that it is a minor issue and fixable.

I am also thankful for what it is teaching me. Teaching me to deal with my fear. I struggle with worrying a lot, it is by far the biggest battle in my mind and during this time I found it consuming all my thoughts. I am sure that it does not help that I am a pediatric ICU nurse and see the worst of everything. This is not even a "big" issue but I have let all the what ifs consume me and at times really get me down. As I was watching Harrison while in one of the waiting rooms last week I realized he had no fear, he was anxious about nothing. It was a reminder to me to have childlike faith, to trust that my Father knows everything and has a perfect plan for my family. That He will take care of us and protect us. I do not want my days and sweet moments to be filled with worry.

I have read this quote last week and it has stayed on my mind...

My day, my gift....
So here it is, another day. I did nothing to deserve it. I just woke up this morning, and there it was. I may have expected it to be there, but I had no right to. Just like Christmas morning, I got up to find a present waiting for me, a brand new day.

Yes, today is a gift. And it has my name on the tag. This present from God has been custom-made for me. God has filled it with blessings, some obvious and some in disguise. Its difficulties and challenges are tailored to fit my size. It may not be exactly what I asked for, but it is exactly what I need.